The Burlingames

Last week I got an email from my wonderful sister-in-law (Sarah) with this beautiful poem. Sarah has been reading through Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life devotional and thought of me when she read this poem. Please read the poem and let it sink into your heart and thoughts. I’ve included some random thoughts below.

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE FOR A REASON

You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of an intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called “God’s special woman or man”

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what He wanted to make!

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy;
And God wept that it hurt you so.
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you’d grow.

You are who you are for a reason.
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, Beloved,
Because there is a GOD.

The fourth paragraph is what really stuck out in my mind. The trauma that we faced was NOT easy and continues to not be easy. Each second, minute, hour, day is a struggle to get through. Some days it sucks to continue going on knowing that Mom is not there to be proud of me, to talk to me, to laugh/cry with me, etc. Some days I struggle with the fairness of why I’m still living and Mom is dead, why I’m still married and Dad is a widow, why I’m a mom and I don’t have a Mom. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head each day. I like the line about God weeping with me/us. Yes, He has a greater need/want for Mom but that doesn’t mean his heart doesn’t break with ours. He knows how special she is to us and what she meant to us, which is why he mourns with us as well. Mom’s death has changed my priorities, my thoughts on life and the way I view the future.

We’ve been formed by the Master’s hand, He knows each second of our life and has drawn the perfect map for our life. We may not agree or like his mapping, but as a believer and child of God, I’ve chosen to accept/follow his map. It is easier to follow God’s map than to fight it and attempt to draw my own map.

Needless to say, I miss my Mom. I always will. There will always be a gap in my heart of where she belongs. But I also know that over time God will fill that gap and bring back the joy, laughter, love, etc. that was once there.

The poem is by Russell Kelfer.

1. As you may have noticed I was using the blog to vent some frustration, express my feelings and keep people updated. I’ve decided to start journaling more and will be using the blog for less emotional updates. I do plan to keep everyone updated on our family and how we are doing, but most of my personal feelings will be expressed in my journal. Depending upon what I write, I may post a journal entry from time to time.

2. Today we are starting the process of cutting down a big tree out front of our house. The tree is partially dead and needs to come down anyway. Once the tree is down and the stumps (there are two) are removed, we intend to plant a maple tree in memory of Mom. I have lots of plants from the visitation/funeral that I plan to put around the base of the tree. I would like to create a little memorial for Mom. Some place that I can go to sit and talk with her. I need this for me because I won’t be able to go to the cemetery whenever I want to be with Mom, it is too far away. It will be nice to have this at our place.

3. Eli has learned to say, Papa and Au Brion, for Grampa and Aunt Brianna. It is super cute when he says their names. I makes me glad that he’s making those types of connections.

4. Please continue to pray for us. This has been an extremely difficult journey and it all still sucks. Like I said before, I wasn’t ready for my Mom to die. Dad wasn’t ready for his wife to die. Brianna wasn’t ready for her Mom to die. Basically, we were not ready for this unexpected life change and I wish there was something I could do to change it all.