The Burlingames

I had stumbled across a blog of a woman whose baby girl was stillborn at 39 weeks. I spent hours reading as she shared her grief journey. I was just in awe of her raw emotion and how well she was able to put what she was feeling into words. Most days, when asked, I cannot put my emotions into words. More often than not, my response to “how are you doing” is “I’m doing”. I’m doing the best I know how right now. I’m doing alright. I’m doing what’s expected of me (I think). I’m doing…

I’ve also heard that year one is typically the year of shock and year two is the year of feelings. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’m finding this to be so true. Most days I’m still shocked that Mom is dead. I’m shocked that I’ll never see her again (I will, but not until I get to heaven). I’m shocked that my boys won’t get to grow up knowing their Gramma. I’m shocked that Dad won’t get to celebrate any more anniversaries with her. I’m shocked that she’ll never call me on the morning of my birthday to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me again. I’m shocked when I reach for my phone to call her and suddenly remember I can’t. I’m shocked that I don’t cry more than I do, part of me wants to cry all the time, but I can’t. I am still in so much shock that she is gone. It still does not feel real to me.

I miss my mom and everyday I wish she were here and not there. I know heaven is a great place, but it is a bit too far away.

Mom – please know that I love you so much and miss you everyday.